CANADA’S PUNISHMENT TO THE U.S. FOR MILEY CYRUS. – Sanchez-Lawson
I don’t bear grudges. I hate very few people, and frankly show disdain only to a subset of people that seem to look upon intelligence as a new form of leprosy. I’m sure that I would quite like Justin Beiber if I met him, and I wouldn’t mind being around him. I hold no ill will for him as a person. But his music is TERRIBLE. No joke, it is truly awful. If I wanted things drilled into my brain, I’d go find a DRILL. His song “Baby” comprises of a chorus repeated continuously with the words “Bey-bee, bey-bee, bey-bee, oooooooh.” and NOTHING ELSE. I’m sorry, but this is the quality of songwriting I was creating at the age of eight. If I knew that this was going to get me millions of dollars and national populations of females throwing themselves at me, then I would have released an album years ago.

Not enough proof? “One Time.” Not only the greatest lie since George Bush explained that he answers to the power of Jesus Christ, it is yet another example of sloppy songwriting. He tells us “One Time” …. 34 f***ing times! Dismal music, really.

Look only so far as the fabulous musicians that Canada has produced – Barenaked Ladies, Fallout Boy, etc. – and Justin Beiber is nothing more than a mouse going up against a rabid, man-eating, mouse-stomping African elephant. These other brilliant people continue to push the envelope, challenging themselves and making brilliant music in the process, refusing to conform to this repetitive rnb schlock that somehow sells nowadays. What is it that appeals to these people? The synthesized basic rock beats? The constantly repeated phrases and words that press on your mind all day like a malignant tumor? The augmented voices used to mask the own singer’s shortcomings? It seems to me that Justin Beiber has just coasted along on his baby-face good looks, and needs to actually back this up with songs that can show off his vocal ability, if he even has any under the auto-tuning and barely-sang notes, instead of him dancing around in baggy pants, a cap and his arms draped over one or more women.

1) IT RUINED VAMPIRES.
Here’s the most obvious one, and one that angers most people. Twilight ruined vampires. It pushed them into the dirt and punched them in the gut, kicked them in the face and tore out their oesophagus with a meat hook. It has reduced the beloved vampire from a swooping bloodthirsty creature of the night that would cause you to empty your bowels of that recent tuna casserole at the mere sight of them to a high-pitched, annoying, bitchy, clingy loverboy (so, Justin Bieber) that every single sad, lonely girl has photshopped to look like he’s rap…I mean…KISSING them.

And maybe that could be forgiven. MAYBE one day when I suffer a blow to the head with a sledgehammer or have been delivered the light of God, becoming an incarnation of John the Baptist, giving me existential patience and love for all things on this earth, MAYBE that could be forgiven. But there is something else. This is the most unforgivable crime in all of human history. If Light Yagami and Stephanie Meyer were tried in the same courtroom, Light Yagami would be let off due to the seriousness of Stephanie’s crime. I am, of course, talking about sparkling vampires. So, let’s review – In “Twilight” Edward reckons that Bella would be scared by the revelation that when touched by sunlight, vampires sparkle. In “New Moon”, Edward, in his grief of Bella’s supposed death after she jumps off a cliff for NO F**KING REASON WHATSOEVER, or at least no good one (“oh, I’ve been moping. It’s time for me to embrace life by almost killing myself!” Stupid bird.), plans to step into the sunlight in the assumption that if he sparkles, people will somehow jump the conclusion that he’s a vampire, not some prancing queen that overdid it on the body glitter.

Now, if I were Bella, I would’ve snorted in derision (causing Edward to bitch to his diary, cut his wrists and sob into his pillow for the next week). When, in recorded existence, has anyone been afraid of GLITTER?! Does Meyer/Swan have this pathological phobia of anything that sparkles? Do they scream and run at the sight of a zircon? And vampires have to hide because of THIS? As a human, I’d just assume it’s Gay Appreciation apparel, get the hell on with whatever I was doing. And because of the sparkling (In New Moon), I’m supposed to immediately jump to the most outlandish conclusion that he’s a vampire, or besides that, not human, and not assume that the guy is some escaped male stripper? I’ll bet Meyer sees people wearing hard hats and assumes that they’re tortoises in disguises, not just friggin’ builders.

- COMPANIONS: Well then, a point that seems to come up all too often in the badassery competition is the fact that Master Chief supposedly defeated the entire Covenant armada “single-handedly”. Now, buddies, if you look just over MC’s shoulder, you might just see a blue female AI and a traitorous Elite. Oh, and just a little beyond that, there is the teeny tiny matter of a WORLDWIDE ARMY. Now, tell me, dear reader, in what sane universe is this single-handedly? Now let’s see, what can Sephiroth do single-handedly? Well, among other things, he can CAUSE A FRACKING SUPERNOVA. Now, as we’ve already established that a blow to the face can get through Spartan Armour, do you think that maybe there’s a small chance that AN EXPLODING STAR will get through? Yeah, maybe.

- THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN

Okay, this is the final showdown. The ultimate decision. Each combatant is at the full power described in-game and in all liscenced spin-offs thereupon. They are bound by the constraints and perks of their own universes, and it is purely mano-a-mano. They have all the resources required to use every one of their powers without providing them with allies. Ergo, Sephiroth may not summon the Weapons, Master Chief cannot use augmentations for AIs or a comm tower to get reinforcements to come in, etc. Here we go.

MC: Master Chief has enhanced speed.

S: Sephiroth is faster than a bullet. He can also stop time – speed anulled.

MC: Master Chief has enhanced strength.

S: Yeah. A guy that can hold a seven-foot sword in one hand without being thrown off-balance has got to be pretty strong.

MC: Master Chief has enhanced…

S: Look, let’s just shut up about the “enhanced” point. Master Chief was genetically enhanced by man-made methods from when he was a child. Sephiroth was genetically enhanced with the life force of the FREAKING PLANET. BEFORE HE WAS EVEN BORN. Advantage: Sephiroth.

 MC: Warthog.

S: Wow. So you don’t think that a sword that can cut through SKYSCRAPERS can cut through a 4WD? Note that this applies to ALL vehicles (perhaps Wraith-on-a-Scarab will require a tad more cutting, but supernovas and meteors and even teleporting on board and killing the pilots seem to wrok pretty well.), including a Hornet, seeing as Sephiroth can fly.

MC: Rocket Launcher.

S: He can stop time. Anulled, as with any weapon.

MC: Halo Rings.

S: Teleport to controller. Stab. Dead.

MC: Well, with that seven-foot sword, Sephiroth’s certainly compensating for something.

S: (Note, dear reader, this is when the f0r-Master Chief debater gets desperate. All cogent arguments are thrown out the window.) Well, with that Spartan Laser and two helmets (okay, I’m being silly here with the two helmets thing.), Master Chief’s certainly compensating for something too, if we’re discussing overcompensation due to large weapons.

MC: Well, Sephiroth’s a mama’s boy.

S: So? It’s his motive. And at least it’s a good motive – a boy wanting his mother and the ability to tear the world apart to save her is both very saddening and creepy. That’s a nice “duty” motive there, Master Chief.

And there you have it. There will almost be a few comments from both sides of the arguments, and I’d love to see the geeky convos that will ensue. So feel free to comment – I’m completely open to discussion. DISCUSSION, mind. Not “oh sephirots a mamas boy u r such a spazz master chiefs so much mor badass coz he kils all them aleins.”

Now, if you are still reading this, that means you have been sensible. Those people were dead before they even opened their mouths. Now that those idiots are gone, let me explain the logic behind this. I will look at Master Chief’s strengths and achievements, you know, the ones that ALWAYS seem to pop up in debates such as this, and then I will explain how Sephiroth counteracts each and every achievement.

- SPARTAN ARMOUR: So Master Chief supposedly has this state-of-the-art armour with energy shielding. Able to withstand almost anything. So why in God’s name is a solid punch to the face enough to get through this god-like armour and shielding? Through this logic, if a solid punch to the head is enough, surely a sword that cuts through damned BUILDINGS is more than enough to get through and slice MC in half like a Spartan club sandwich.

- INVINCIBILITY: Now, Master Chief is supposedly so BA that he simply cannot die, he is just so lucky and strong. May I remind you that Seph has come back from the dead TWICE already, and if his final line from Advent Children is anything to go by (“I will never be a memory.”), he’s not going to stay dead. Seph just simply cannot stay dead. So no going on about the fact that Master Chief can’t die. Sephiroth’s just as invincible.

GODHOOD: Like Chuck Norris, Master Chief has ascended to godhood in the minds of his fans. In-game, there is no mention of this fact. He’s just got enough jam to fill a barrel (take your mind out of the gutter). However, Sephiroth almost ascended to godhood in the original FFVII, and in AC, had “ascended to a higher plane of existence”, in the words of his creator.

To be continued…

Now, these women are extremely fun to be around. Fact. These women won’t back out of a relationship simply because you have a life-size metal replica of a Keyblade hanging over the mantlepiece. These are the sort of women that won’t give a look of confusion and/or disgust when you give the answer to “What’s the most fun you’ve ever had?” as “Playing Mass Effect 2.” And most of all, these are the women whose favourite sort of cake is that which is “delicious and moist”. But why are these sort of women the best ones to be with? Well, let us examine the other types:

- Sporty: They’re good fun, but are subject to overcompetitiveness and will kick your @$$ from here to China if you get on their bad side.

-Nerdy: They will get most of your really good and often really obscure jokes, but feel often as if they’re always right.

-Flirty: They make you feel as if you’re appreciated and really listened-to, but chances are you’re not the first guy she’s been with and you probably won’t be the last.

-Gen Z: This is the facebooker, iPod owner and the mall-goer. Basically, the life of the party and the one with the huge group of friends that you can hook up with your mates. However, they are generally of the sis-es before kisses variety. They are fixated on their friends first and foremost, and should you get on one friend’s bad side, you’re on everyone’s bad side, probably even your gf’s. If she does stick by you, however, gradually she’ll probably succumb to peer pressure or become annoyed by the whole ordeal, and comment that the situation is “too hard”, subsequently dumping you.

Geeky girls, however, are all the pros of the above and more. They’re generally above-average smart. They probably have the same other-gaming intrerests as you (Dr Who, for example).

Now stack all that personality on some curves…my friend, you have the perfect woman. Even so, even though some twats may brag about their blonde cheerleading trophy gf, that gf would have already been with half the footy team before arriving at that guy, and is in a relationship with two or three others at the same time. Above all, you know that you’ve got loyalty with a geeky girl. She’s got the sensitivity of any quality female, plus, if she has played Bioshock, she knows as well as you do how much of a kick in the nuts getting betrayed is.

Of course, this is a very general categorizing of females, and there are exceptions. However, GENERALLY, these are what most geeky girls are.

Dedicated to Claudia and Jess, two of the geekiest and most brilliant girls I know.

I am here to say it straight out: Disney live-action comedies are even less funny than a Shakesperian Tragedy. But where the latter is not trying to be funny, it’s very serious and quite beautiful when acted correctly, the former has comedy that even those over-censoring hacks at 4Kids scoffed at. And we are meant to learn something from these shows? I have learnt from Wizards of Waverly Place that it is not how hard you work and how much effort you put in, it’s how well you wing it. I’ve learnt from Sonny With A Chance that sub-par acting, worse writing and a perpetually chirpy attitude that makes you come across at all times as a crack-addicted woodpecker means a rocketship to showbusiness. And finally, I have learnt from Hannah Montana that you can escape any sort of trouble with a rhyming name, a blonde wig and a constant concious personality complex.

Where is the charm and wit of good ol’ Blackadder, eh? Why can’t these people cavort with the English language, bringing hilarity to the masses without being condescending, like a so-called Mr Stephen Fry? Why can’t these people show the lovable yet hugely funny characterization like such TV shows as Big Bang Theory and Seinfeld, or even such theatre shows like Little Shop of Horrors? I doubt there is a sane post-pubescent person on this earth who wouldn’t slap Miley, Alex and Sonny silly given the chance and then go after the writing staff with a chainsaw.

For those of you wondering, yes, these will be continuing, based off motivational pics I get off the net. Yipee.