Okay guys, sorry I haven’t posted for a while, and I know that all thirty of you are probably pretty upset, but in redemption, I am going to talk about a subject that plagues us, disturbs our sleep, and that we see with our waking eyes. Like Frodo and the Great Eye. Except worse. Much worse. With lashings of holy sh*t on top. I am of course talking about Twilight.
1) IT RUINED VAMPIRES.
Here’s the most obvious one, and one that angers most people. Twilight ruined vampires. It pushed them into the dirt and punched them in the gut, kicked them in the face and tore out their oesophagus with a meat hook. It has reduced the beloved vampire from a swooping bloodthirsty creature of the night that would cause you to empty your bowels of that recent tuna casserole at the mere sight of them to a high-pitched, annoying, bitchy, clingy loverboy (so, Justin Bieber) that every single sad, lonely girl has photshopped to look like he’s rap…I mean…KISSING them.
And maybe that could be forgiven. MAYBE one day when I suffer a blow to the head with a sledgehammer or have been delivered the light of God, becoming an incarnation of John the Baptist, giving me existential patience and love for all things on this earth, MAYBE that could be forgiven. But there is something else. This is the most unforgivable crime in all of human history. If Light Yagami and Stephanie Meyer were tried in the same courtroom, Light Yagami would be let off due to the seriousness of Stephanie’s crime. I am, of course, talking about sparkling vampires. So, let’s review – In “Twilight” Edward reckons that Bella would be scared by the revelation that when touched by sunlight, vampires sparkle. In “New Moon”, Edward, in his grief of Bella’s supposed death after she jumps off a cliff for NO F**KING REASON WHATSOEVER, or at least no good one (“oh, I’ve been moping. It’s time for me to embrace life by almost killing myself!” Stupid bird.), plans to step into the sunlight in the assumption that if he sparkles, people will somehow jump the conclusion that he’s a vampire, not some prancing queen that overdid it on the body glitter.
Now, if I were Bella, I would’ve snorted in derision (causing Edward to bitch to his diary, cut his wrists and sob into his pillow for the next week). When, in recorded existence, has anyone been afraid of GLITTER?! Does Meyer/Swan have this pathological phobia of anything that sparkles? Do they scream and run at the sight of a zircon? And vampires have to hide because of THIS? As a human, I’d just assume it’s Gay Appreciation apparel, get the hell on with whatever I was doing. And because of the sparkling (In New Moon), I’m supposed to immediately jump to the most outlandish conclusion that he’s a vampire, or besides that, not human, and not assume that the guy is some escaped male stripper? I’ll bet Meyer sees people wearing hard hats and assumes that they’re tortoises in disguises, not just friggin’ builders.
Filed under: Rants
